If, by the off chance you are friends with any girls on facebook you may have realized that there are a handful of things they write that just don’t seem very normal. Luckily for you, I’ve found the female facebook rule book and will share it here now.
The Rules of Facebook (Female addition)
Rule Number 1 – Your photo album title must be either an inside joke, a quote from a drunk friend, a lyric from a popular song, or an ambiguously happy comment on the their feelings towards summer.
Your album title tells it all. If you want your pictures to be looked at and your life to be judged with the correct amount of wildness and spontaneity, your album title has to fit the mold. An inside joke is good because it highlights the fact that you have a exclusive group of friends, with whom you have crazy stories that are just too juicy and “had to be there” to expound to whole world. Album’s with these titles must feature other joke insiders and most comments on these pictures will be in reference to said inside joke. If done correctly anyone attempting to get in on joke will feel like an outsider —and your job is done.
A quote from a drunk friend is similar in that it’s a “you had to be there moment” thus establishing exclusivity. This quote can come from a girl friend in a drunken stupor, but to really take it up a notch quote a drunk guy-friend. Immediately that guy friend will feel important and he and his friends will barrage the album with comments on how funny or stupid their friend is when drunk. Also, your quote works to further detail how crazy your life really is.
Using a lyric from a popular song is another great album title. Forget the fact that you aren’t being Miley at all, when someone sees “Gretchen Hillman posted an album, ‘IM JUST BEING MILEY’ ” you got to wonder what crazy times Gretchen is having listening to that song. In Gretchen’s album she’s dancing around with her four best friends with their hands above their heads and mouths open. These images stay in other girls’ heads and the next time Molly Smith is sitting around a table taking half-shots of tequila and chasing with diet Sobe before going to a Lacrosse party this is the first song she will put on. And she will be doing it because because Gretchen Hillman looked “so freakin cute.”
Lastly is the overly excited summer album. The best part about this album is the that although you spend most of your summer filing papers for your aunt and updating a rolodex, no one will ever know this when your summer album consists of two house parties (three outfits) , a day at the beach, and your families trip to a baseball game. If your summer album featured what you actually did over summer (watch 4 seasons of Freaks and Geeks) it would have to be called “low-key summer.” Obviously you are not gonna do this, but instead give your album the name only a 5 year old with a speech impediment would come up with, such as “summerrrr nevaaa endddd”. Choosing how many “R’s” are at the end of the word “summer” is a topic of debate. As a general rule of thumb, one “R” should be added for every three pieces of neon within the album. An album like “summerrrrrrrrrrr ♥ lovinnnnn” better feature at least one rave. Also, without at least one heart in the title your album is absolute shit, and your friends hate you.
Rule number 2 – In order to sound like a fucking crazy person put a ‘b’ before “hahahahhaha”
This is an absolute must. In order to express laughter a bahahahaha is needed to show how insanely hard you are laughing. If you think that this makes you sound like a mad scientist, its because it does. But thats the point. The B also helps imply your conniving attitude. Lastly, because you are better than everyone else it also gives off a vibe that you are laughing at people, rather than with them, which, at the end of the day, is your goal.
Rule number 3 – Make plans that you know will fall through with friends you aren’t that close with.
This does a few things. First, it shows how active you are. With this simple technique, you are able to show how you wanted to meet up, but you had to study, because you are smart and shit. Use the word “play” to mean hang out.Although saying “let’s play together” means absolutely nothing, it sounds so cute and childish. And thats how you like to think of yourself when your not dressed up as playboy bunny with 6 inch heels and a plastic bottle of vodka in all your pictures.
Ironically, if a guy were to say, lets play together, which they don’t, they would probably actually play something.
The great thing about making plans on facebook is how non-binding the plans are. Telling a girl that we should get together and play this weekend is about as concrete of a plan as drunkenly talking about a trip to Europe after graduation.
Mark “Big Cambridge” Zuckerberg
Thats it for now. But check back later for the rest of the rules. Mark still hasn’t covered which “Texts from last night” can make a girl look the most fun/sluttiest.