In the formative days of my youth, when a woman was sad she would curl up on the couch with her cat, pop in something with Meg Ryan and dive into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. Spoon in her hand, tears in her eyes, eating unhealthily was never so satisfying.
Ice cream is now second to frozen yogurt in the frozen milk based product category and this is a crime. Ice cream has been around in America since 1776. There are even records of Tommy Jefferson serving ice cream to all the bitches who partied at Monticello.
But now this sacred, delicious treat has been replaced by a more healthy, fruity and literally softer alternative. Frozen yogurt places seems to have sprung up over night. Everyone has there favorite place and frankly I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care whether they have fresh picked strawberries, four kinds of chocolate sprinkles or a kosher option —frozen yogurt is nothing but a bad version of ice cream.
Look, I’ll admit I’ve had my fair share of frozen yogurt. I was on the bandwagon, casually enjoying my colorful little cup of fruit and fake chocolate until one day I passed by a Baskin Robbin’s. 31 mother fucking flavors with a sprinkle option.
It brought me back to my childhood. I had gold medal ribbon in a waffle cone. I had forgot why ice cream was good. Licking the sides of my cone I felt liberated from the binds of our health obsessed society. Let’s not forget, ice cream is less healthy than frogurt for a reason —because it tastes better. But Andy don’t you see, that’s why we like froyo —its healthy. C’mon friends, is it really that much healthier when you drop everything from gummy bears, caramel and mcdonalds cheeseburgers on top? A health website insists that “frozen yogurt should not be viewed as a “healthy” food, as it still contains relatively high levels of fat and may have extremely high amounts of sugar.”
Why don’t you let that little fact swirl into your cute little pink and yellow over sized cup.
Everyone has their recipe for their perfect cup of yogurt. Do you know why ice cream doesn’t have all these options? Because it doesnt need it. Stick any ice cream in front of my face and its ready to go.
Also, frozen yogurt is just gay. No guy should feel comfortable walking into a place called pinkberry, yogurtland, yoloberry, yougurtouille, or yumi yogurt and yet we do. What has our society come to where frozen yogurt restaurants have facebooks to update what flavors they are serving today? Do you know why ice cream places don’t do this? It’s because, as Americans ice cream flavors are genetically programmed into our heads when we are born. Rocky road, mint chocolate chip, gold medal ribbon, chocolate chip cookie dough —are you kidding me?
I’ll leave you with one last thought. Every ice cream shop has that one cute old man who comes in every tuesday orders a double scoop of rocky road and reminisces about model T’s. It’s fucking adorable. Can you see this at a place called Fro’sho?